- Student Support
As a parent at Hangzhou International School, understanding the inner world of boys can be confusing sometimes, and beneath the surface are complex young people who can be quite different to their female counterparts.
To really connect with boys, we've got to understand why they act the way they do and appreciate the unique emotional twists that shape their reactions. (Note: The ideas are not limited to boys, but generally more suited to boys).
Why Boys Act Out
Young boys, in general, can struggle to communicate their feelings. Their emotional vocabulary might still be in the early stages, and the understanding of what their body is signaling is evolving. As a result, they express themselves through actions, which may sometimes appear aggressive or irrational.
This behavior typically stems from deeper emotions such as fear, sadness, or feelings of inadequacy. It's crucial to understand that boys often develop differently than girls. Frustration may arise when they can't match their female peers' milestones. Recognizing this developmental difference is key to nurturing their self-esteem and motivation.
The Weight of the School Day
By the end of the day, many boys find themselves stressed out. Navigating the complexities of friendships, attentive listening in class, having to sit still, and remembering daily tasks push their cortisol levels, the stress hormone, to an all-time high.
When they reunite with parents and caregivers, they often feel emotionally drained, expressing this stress in less desirable ways with those they feel safest with.
6 Strategies for Connection and Regulation
1. Get them moving (and don’t forget unstructured play):
Generally, boys are wired to be physically active for extended periods. Incorporating movement at home helps them regulate and promotes the ability to focus.
For example, allow them to carry in heavy groceries, wash the car, or provide time to ride bikes or play outside. Research also shows the importance of unstructured free play in developing minds.
2. Building emotional bonds with an ‘empathy first’ approach:
The stronger the emotional connection a boy has with a grown-up, the safer he feels emotionally, increasing the likelihood of positive behavior.
One simple thing to remember when your son is experiencing anger or sadness is to not rush in to correct or teach a lesson. Connect first by acknowledging their pain point, this way they will feel heard and will be ready to regulate their emotions much quicker.
3. Short and simple instructions:
Boys need to feel successful at school to avoid struggling and acting out. Keeping requests short and simple, around 10 words or less, increases the chances of them succeeding with a verbal instruction. (Note: Sometimes when your son is not hearing you, be mindful he may not be deliberately disobeying you, as they're wired to act first and think later).
4. Positive reinforcement and the ‘just right’ challenge:
Using the ‘just right’ challenge – something that makes them think and still fosters growth but is achievable, is a good way to boost their confidence through the sense of competence. And providing the right kind of encouragement is key.
Who doesn’t need positive feedback? Boys love praise so catch them in the act of doing something right. (Pro-tip for a healthy self-concept is to read up on ‘growth mindset’ from the work of Dr Carol Dweck in her book ‘Mindset’).
5. Enough sleep and the right food:
Never underestimate the power of the basics! Good sleep and nutrition cannot be overstated. A consistent bedtime routine that delivers 9 to 12 hours of sleep is non-negotiable for a regulated nervous system and a developing brain.
Second, leverage the power of food at key transition times. The after-school period is a classic example. A brain depleted of focus and mood-stabilizing chemicals needs a quick reboot.
A healthy snack offered immediately, like in the car ride home, provides the necessary fuel to boost serotonin and dopamine, turning a potential meltdown into a manageable moment. (For more on this, see Maggie Dent’s ‘Mothering our Boys’).
6. Model emotional regulation:
Children learn a great deal by observing adults. Demonstrate healthy emotional regulation by expressing your feelings appropriately.
If you're feeling frustrated, for example, discuss why and how you're managing that emotion in a positive way.
We hope these practical strategies might help you support the unique development of our young boys. Remember that no parent is perfect and asking for ideas should be embraced.
References:
Dent, Maggie. Mothering Our Boys. Random House, 2018.
Dweck, Carol S. Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Random House, 2006.
Greene, Ross W. The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily
Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children. HarperCollins, 1998.