FAQs for Adolescent Development

This is normal. Science shows that during adolescence, a child’s internal clock undergoes a change. They are more likely to stay up later, but then they will want to sleep in later, too. Teenagers can be very sluggish in the mornings. In some countries, schools have even changed their start times until later in the day so that their High School students can be more productive at school. Keeping to routines is important, but you can expect your teenager to want to sleep in later on Saturday and Sunday, and to sometimes argue about getting up early on weekdays. 

Most teenagers actually want to have more responsibility, but they don’t want to do it for nothing. This is a good time to re-negotiate pocket money and what chores should be expected around the house. Parents would like for their teens to learn the value of money or rewards, and also to develop a greater sense of cause and effect. Some examples of this are: ‘If you make your bed every day/pick up your brother from school/help with the laundry/etc you will be allowed to go out with your friends earlier/have someone around for a sleepover/earn money towards your new phone/top up your data’. An important lesson is that nothing comes for free and that responsibility must be given in gradual stages. 

Your teen’s brain is not wired up to be agreeable- or even reasonable- during adolescence, unfortunately. The parts of the adult brain that help you modify your responses or to see both sides of an argument are not working yet for your teenager’s. This period will pass, but it can be very frustrating for you both. Until then, avoid arguing back. Arguing with a teenager is like wrestling a pig in mud; as Mark Twain said, all you get is dirty, and the pig likes it. A teen will try to push your buttons. Be patient but firm when it comes to your expectations for how s/he will speak to you. 

The moods that go from giddiness to anger to (apparently) heart-wrenching grief- all within a few minutes- can be exhausting. It is best not to tackle them while they are happening, but be patient and wait before intervening. Step away for a few moments and come back when the worst of it has passed, and then perhaps address the emotion behind the mood, without ridiculing or belittling. The mood is an expression of a real feeling, even though it does not seem logical. Ensure that your child feels safe and supported as s/he deals with the feeling. If your teen’s actions are extreme or destructive during the mood swing, counsel him/her about how this is unacceptable and needs to be modified. 

It is natural for teens to try and spend all their time with friends. They are trying to feel safe in a strange world, and their friends are allies. It can seem sometimes like they choose all the same subjects, clubs and activities as their friends. This is not surprising. However, the older they get, the more likely they are to go in different directions as they develop different interests and new friendships. By the time they start choosing their options for the DP, most students are more concerned with their own potential academic success than with being with one particular friend; however, as a small school it is likely that they will be in some of the same classes in Grade 11 and 12. It is very rare that friends make the same choices for post-secondary education, especially in international schools. Your child will gain more independence from his/her friends, although it might not seem like it now. 

Social media and the internet can be compelling for all of us. Consider how often we as adults check our emails and chat groups as soon as we wake up, or how often we post to our WeChat moments. For teenagers, the fear of missing out on something is even greater, and since Covid 19 and online learning, the compulsion to engage with social media and spend too much time online is even stronger.  

Setting boundaries can be difficult, especially when you need to help a teen break an addiction to his/her device. Start by discussing the problem calmly and without judgment, and try to reach agreement about what is reasonable for you and your whole family- it will be hard for a teen will agree to rules that you aren’t also prepared to abide by. You might start with a ‘no devices at the dinner table’ rule, and then follow it up with more regular family mealtimes where conversation is the norm so that the pattern of disappearing into the cellphone is interrupted. Have devices charged centrally, and perhaps say that all phones- including your own- should be kept out of the bedrooms at night. Be ready for opposition- cell phones are a lifeline to teenagers. 

Striking a balance between monitoring your child’s grades and being over-bearing is a frequent point of conflict between parents and teens. When school becomes more difficult, students have more activities to juggle, and life outside the classroom becomes more interesting than the learning inside it, grades can sometimes slump. Keep an eye on Managebac to see whether patterns are emerging, and make sure your teen is maintaining balance between academics and other activities. There may be many reasons for a drop in results that might be related to new subjects or learning methods. It may also be that your child is following a course that they do not intend to continue with in the next academic year. This can make it difficult to stay motivated. One dropped grade might not be something to be too worried about. If you feel that there is a negative pattern emerging and your child isn’t communicating, however, then make an appointment to discuss the problem with your child’s teacher or Advisor. 

‘The best-laid schemes of Moms an’ men gang aft a-gley’, to mis-quote the poet. There is very little anyone can do to guarantee a university place for their child, however much planning might be involved. It is not always what an ambitious parent wants to hear, but an Ivy League education might not be the best one available for their child. While there is no doubt that the reputation a school holds can be powerful incentive to attend, putting pressure on a student to gain a place when their own wishes, skills and interests lie elsewhere can potentially be damaging, both to the student and to the relationship s/he has with parents. It is fine to be ambitious for our children, but advisable always to consider what the teen really wants to do with his/her life, and whether the school in question is the best place to pursue that goal. It might be that a small, private university has a more suitable program, or provides a more nurturing environment for its students. When first-year drop-out rates are an ongoing problem for international students in the Ivy League schools, it is important to look for the best fit for the student, rather than necessarily insist upon enrollment at the parent’s dream school. Our College Counselor and Upper School Principal can offer direct advice on this.  

This is one of those times when you might want to choose a different battle. Consider why it is important to you that the room is clean. Then, consider whether it is important enough to you to make it an argument worth having. Teens crave their own space, in almost a territorial way. This is natural, when you consider that adults also don’t like other people telling them what to do with the spaces they inhabit. If you can agree to a few basics that are related to avoiding vermin and mold (for example, no food in the room, and dirty laundry put in the basket) and then ‘tactically ignore’ the rest of the untidiness, then you might find life is more peaceful. It will not take many occasions where your teen is unable to find their belongings in there for them to realise that the closet is a more useful storage space than the floor. You might also find that allowing sleepovers- ‘As long as your room is clean’- might encourage a little more organization. If it is really important to you that the room is kept clean, then use incentives and rewards to help make it happen. Tidying up the room becomes one of the chores that results in pocket money, for instance. 

Healthy outdoor habits are created very early in life. If parents are able to play outside with their children- walking, hiking, biking, playing soccer, etc- then it is more likely that the child will keep those habits throughout life. Encouraging them to be involved in school sports and clubs is another good way to keep them active as teenagers. Teens begin to adopt or reject the activities and hobbies that they will keep throughout adulthood when they are adolescents, so giving them lots to choose from will encourage more healthy lifestyles.  

As for creating opportunities for your teen to be outside with his/her friends, you might consider some of the activities you provide for them to do together as a means of developing more interests. Getting tickets for a basketball game, a climbing wall, an amusement park or an ice show for your child and his/her friends- and NOT accompanying them- might be something that they would enjoy and that would get them out of the house. Getting them started down a path makes it easier for them to continue along it.  

Making a teenager follow instructions – especially when using words like ‘obey’- can lead to arguments and confrontations. Curfews can be a very sore point for parents, who frequently have different ideas about how much freedom their teenagers should enjoy from those held by the teens themselves. Interestingly, teens do want boundaries and limits. They also want to be part of creating them, however. Parents are advised in these cases to talk to the parents of their teenager’s friends. Are you able to agree together on things like curfews and drop-off/pick-up arrangements? That will make it easier to provide a united front for your teens. If you are not able to come to mutual arrangements with the other parents, then consider what is reasonable and compatible with your own needs and the developmental stage of your child. Grade 6 students should not be out as late as Grade 9 students, for example. Good old-fashioned bartering may help come to an agreement. Consider your ‘non-negotiable’ curfew, and ask your child to be home half an hour earlier than that. They will counter your time with something much later; eventually you can both concede some time until you reach agreement. This will allow your child some control and involvement in the decision. Also, using polite language as you arrange the curfew helps. ‘I would like you home by 8:30, please’ is more likely to receive a measured response than ‘Be home by 8:30 or else!’. A negotiated curfew could emerge from a line like ‘It will take half an hour to get to the mall and half an hour to get back. If you plan on spending three hours there, then 8:30 seems like a reasonable time for you to be home.’ This shows that your curfew is not just an arbitrary time, and that you have reasons for it.